Tuesday 3 November 2009

20 Questions: PART 1

If you were a type of fruit which would you be?

I would be a pear, cool pale greens almost like an apple but somehow softer on the inside, softer than perhaps my exterior looks from the outside. Stiff yet delicate. Also you can eat all of me except for the stalk at the top. I’m more efficient then an apple. I don’t really have a core.


I would be an orange. I can be sharp or sweet, but you never really know until you try me. In fact if I really had to pin it down I’d be a Satsuma or a Clementine. Oranges are too difficult to eat. They’re a pain in the arse. I don’t think I’m a pain in the arse.


I would be a banana. Not just because of the fact that it looks like an erect penis, but because it’s mostly seedless, but those tiny little black soft seeds can spout forth a whole new banana tree. What may have looked like a casual excuse for a knob joke can actually be a catalyst for real change… perhaps even tripping up those that underestimate it with it's own discarded skin.


I’d be a Dragon fruit exotic and surprising and utterly delicious.

If you could live in any period of time, which would you, choose?

I would live in the time of the Buddhist Masters in Japan. I would like to go back to a time when there were so few people around that a bunch of guys sitting around thinking about stuff could be the cutting edge of a whole new type of thought, I'd go and hang with the mystics, I’d go and do my best to shape an emerging religion without really trying.


I would go back to the second world war. I would have liked to have been a fighter pilot, an ace. The thrill of the chaise every day, It would be like living in a Lichtenstein painting. Wham! Take that Brad and Janet!


I be the first fish to come up on land. I be the one that started gulping air and eating all the insects that thought that they were safe. I show them. I show them all, cocky little bastards.


I’ll go back, gosh I don’t know. I’ll go back maybe to the 1970s, to when people really didn’t have to worry to much about the environment or cholesterol or anything, but I think that I’ll take a few things back with me… all our technology for example, I don't want to have to go back if I can't still email my friends.

If you could change your name what would you call yourself?

Viking, I would call myself Viking. Just one word, Viking. No one’s going to mess with someone called Viking


Um…. Virginia Ballentine. Something flowery and literary, one of those women that writes about 100 books that are all the same and then kills herself or something. Maybe I would be the type that just writes one book that everyone says is a amazing but is actually a massive pain in the arse to get through.


I’d change my name to Faustus and I’d be bloody good at everything, just to freak people out, make them think they’d met the actual Faustus. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.


I would be called Hewlett Packshard and I would play James Bondage in a pornographic version of the Spy loved me, called ‘The Spy Who Whipped Me With A Bicycle Chain.’ Or perhaps ‘Dr Can’t Say No’ or something.


If you had twenty minutes to live what would you do?

I would try and get myself arrested so that by the time I died I’d be in police custardy and some other bastard would have to carry the can for it.


If anything was an option I’d probably just get on the back of a jet-ski and shoot off into the sea, I’d tape down the throttle and just disappear in a straight line, jumping off the waves until I hit an oil tanker or something.


I suppose I would want to write a letter to my friends and family, try and think of a few lines that would sum up how I feel about them, let them know that I was both clever and witty at the end, and also thinking about them.


I think I’d most likely just piss myself.


If you went back in time and became your own grandfather what would you buy yourself for Christmas?

I’d get myself a skelectrics labyrinth. And I’d hide it in a room in the house that I had no idea existed and then I’d engineer it so that I’d find it one day, like in a dream and there it would be all set up and ready to go. I’d make it so shifting and complex that it was never the same track twice. It would never get boring.


I’d get myself laid I think. Early on, like age 15 or something and not just with one person but a bunch of people. Get all that crap out the way at the start. Then I’d get myself to buckle down and get some work done.


I’d get myself a kind of massive book token, but when I got it I wouldn’t actually spend it on books I’d make it into an origami boat and use it to go on imaginary journeys. Like in ‘Where the Wild Things Are.’ I’d try my best give myself some imagination.


I think I’d just give myself some good advice. ‘Don’t bone your grandma you little pervert.’ After that I think I’d give myself a little bit of a kicking for not taking my own advice, if you see what I mean.


If you could swap lives with JFK would you duck at the crucial time?

No I don’t think so, JFK is such a legend now, if we’d swapped lives I don’t feel that I'd have the right to deny him that. Without that bullet making contact he’d just be another Bill Clinton figure, a nice but largely irrelevant ladies man who did a half decent job of running the states for a few years.


I would duck, but really only because I’d be having too much fun not to. I mean Marylyn Monroe, Jackie Onassis… interns. All that and your finger on the button… I think that that’s what I’d do. Go home with Jackie and Marilyn and a couple of interns and then right when the party was reaching it’s climax I’d bash my fist down hard on the nuclear button, take out two thirds of the human race. Let the rest die in a nuclear winter.


I would not duck. But I’d put a little card in my top pocket at the start of the day saying "I knew this was going to happen" and “I knew it would be you Lee Harvey” That would be the best way to grow the brand. That way I’d be going out like Jesus instead of some ivy league schmuck in a suit.


Duck? I’d have sent a ringer in my place. and then I’d have risen again the next day, call it the greatest political comeback in the history of time. Colour me president for life after that kind of a stunt.



What do you think will kill you in the end?

Apathy, I think I’ll just get to the point where I can’t be bothered to breath any more. When the miracle of respiration looses its appeal I’ll probably just call it a day.


I’ve always hoped that it would be a lion or some other big cat. Perhaps if it was a super volcano, but then even that seems too general. I reckon it might be best to die saving a kid from an escaped Tiger, strangle the damn thing before I pass out and die from loss of blood. In the end they'd change the kids name to my name and he'd have to live the rest of his life fulfilling my dreams as some kind of twisted penance.


Statistically I’m most likely to die of heart disease or cancer of the colon. I think I’d prefer heart disease, at least it’s quick and it doesn’t involve doctors sticking stuff up my arse. It might even happen in my sleep and then I’d have no idea that I’d died.


I’m picturing a party being held in my honour, like maybe I won a Nobel prize and every ones calling for a speech and I’m heading up to the podium and then when I get up their these two guys turn up in balaclava’s and just gun me down. Women scream, people pass out in shock; the whole thing is like national news and they never find out who did it or why.


If you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life what would it be?


Are you kidding me, I think you can guess what I’d eat. I’d die pretty quick but at least I’d die happy


I’d want it to be something sustainable, something that would send a message that I wasn’t some kind of despotic psychopath. I guess bread, I’d have to go for bread, it’s a working man's food, people can respect someone that only eats bread.


I’d eat Salmon, lightly grilled with a little bit of Mayo on the side. And I’d eat a lot of it. I think those bears that only eat fish have it good. I guess I could just turn into one of those after a while and do without the Mayo. Maybe raise a couple of cubs. Teach them to bash a $300 fish straight out of the air.


I’d eat dolphin. Or whale or panda or something and when they ran out I’d go with them, that way I’d have a personal interest in keeping the species going, that might spur me into some kind of action. Turn me into the worlds most twisted eco warrior

If you were the world expert on one thing what would it be?

I’d like to be an expert on what people don't know, I mean I don’t want to know everything but I’d like to know what it is that people actually know and what they just pretend to know. Like in science, I’d like to be able to tell when they are just spouting hype. Right now nobody has clue about how the mechanics of gravity work, they have no idea how the first cells formed, I’d like to be the guy that called them up on that.


I’d like to be an expert In making people laugh, I’d like to be able to read peoples faces and see their sense of humour and have an encyclopaedic knowledge of all possible jokes. people would come up to me and be all "say something funny!” and I’d make them die laughing just by raising an eyebrow at the right time. I’d have this incredible depth of knowledge but only ever scrape the surface.


I’d be the worlds foremost expert on nutrition and I’d use it to live to 2000 and I’d finance my long life by writing totally false and self contradicting diet books. People would have to follow them because I’d lived so long, but truth is the last thing I want is other people living to 2000 there’s too many people as it is. Maybe I’d start a cult or something keep my friends and family alive, but I’d have to do all the cooking so no one else could figure out my secret.


I’d like to be an expert on insects and animals, to the point where I could talk to them and get them to do my bidding. I’d have them invade people’s houses and make them pay me to get them removed. I’d get rid of them just by shouting really loud and waving my arms about like a gibbon.